I’ve been in Colorado for a week, visiting my youngest daughter and her husband, along with her husband’s parents who flew in from the East Coast. Our children are expecting their first child in March, and it was snowing, so we spent a lot of time sitting in front of the fireplace talking about cribs, and car seats, and strollers, picture books and wall colors and names . . .

Now, Thanksgiving over, I’m flying back to the West Coast and thinking, “This is how it begins.”  In that short time together we three grandparents saw our children, married just a year, transform into parents in front of our very eyes.

Learning to be a Parent

In the evenings after supper they talked quietly together, heads close, reading reviews of infant care centers and preschools, looking at photos of cribs and car seats. During the days we went to baby stores and they compared “feeding systems” and convertible high chairs, sat in rocking chairs, and imagined a baby in a long strip of elastic fabric. They put car seats into strollers, then into different strollers, then different car seats into different strollers.  In the car on the way home they mused about whether it was time to register for new parent groups, childbirth and breastfeeding classes, or infant center tours.

Does Raising Cats Help?

Our kids have recently acquired two adorable kittens, and they’re gently training them not to climb up people’s legs, or jump onto the mantel, or scratch the furniture. It was impossible not to notice that they are excellent cat parents. They bought a book about how cats think; they feed the kittens on a regular schedule; and they installed a sturdy gate to keep them safe from the open stairs above. “Yes,” we whispered to one another, “They are going to be wonderful parents.”

As we were preparing Thanksgiving dinner, I watched my daughter stand by the stove, one hand holding a fork, the other on her unborn child, a faraway look in her eyes. A shiver of recognition passed through me. I remembered doing the same thing when I was pregnant with her.  While waiting for my Kindergarten children to line up after playtime, I would often find myself staring out the door, stroking my daughter’s head, or back, or leg, savoring her physical closeness.

Learning to be a Grandparent

Pregnancy can be a wonderful time for learning, for grandparents as well as new parents. If we are allowed to share in this time of waiting we can get a lot of stuff out of the way and learn a few important things.   Like keeping our mouths shut when shopping for baby furniture.  Or anything else.   Waiting to give advice until we’re asked. If we’re asked.   We can inquire about diapers – disposable or washable? About the layette – is there a preferred color, or a hated one? Would they like to have some of their own baby clothes that we’ve kept for them all these years? Any specific pieces of equipment or furniture we can help them obtain?

The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same

During my first daughter’s pregnancy I learned about Whooping Cough shots and Organic Egyptian cotton, and “nothing from China, please.” The Snugli baby carrier she rode in as an infant and toddler had been replaced in the stores with a wide range of concepts and styles of ergonomic design. Breastfeeding, once the feeding method of choice for no-fuss parents, now required special nursing pillows and co-sleepers to keep baby safely near but not quite in the family bed, and designer garments to hide the baby while she is nursing.

With my Colorado daughter, I am learning that everything mechanical seems to have changed in the past five years. Car seats have bases now and are easier to move from car to car.   And from car to stroller.  And from car to grocery cart.  Strollers come with a selection of different-sized wheels. And suspension systems. And they fold with one hand. Sometimes. Cribs no longer have drop fronts or bumper pads, and some of them turn into toddler beds with a safety rail.

But some things haven’t changed at all. Grandparents are still enthralled by the idea of a new child in their life, delighted to see their adult children preparing to be parents, and want very much to share their own experiences with parenting.

We’ve Been Here Before

But new parents waver between having confidence that they can make these first parenting decisions without our help, and feeling fearful that they won’t know how to care for this new life on their own. This ambivalence may make them a little prickly at times.

Grandparents, we have been here before, when our six-year-old learned to ride a two-wheeler, or our sixteen-year-old sat behind the steering wheel of the family car. Growing up requires facing fears and learning new things, but sometimes training wheels and an expert in parallel parking can help. As long as we keep talking to one another, and loving one another, I’m confident we’ll find our way.

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