A new baby in your family!

Everyone is so excited, and no one more so than the grandparents. But how can you help with the new baby without overwhelming your kids?

When my first child was born, we lived 3000 miles away from our families, and I couldn’t have been more pleased. After coping with parental criticism during childhood, adolescence, and the early years of marriage, I was delighted to know I would be free from their disapproval as we learned to navigate the new waters of parenthood.

I changed my mind a week after my daughter was born.  By that time my mother had already climbed on a Greyhound bus and traveled across country, certain that I needed her help.  She was right.  We still didn’t agree on many things, but having her competent presence in the house when much of the time I was terrified and exhausted made a big difference in how I managed after she left.  However, she had come unbidden, and I knew I didn’t want to be THAT grandmother when my turn came.

Recently I sat down with eight young parents, and asked them to discuss what they had needed and wanted from visitors in those earliest weeks, and especially what they would like grandparents to know.  They had lots to say, but I have distilled their very lively exchange to five suggestions.

1. Offer to visit if you wish, but then wait to be invited

When I told my story, members of the focus group were unanimous in their response:  They felt my mother had been out of line.  Making allowances for generational differences, I reassured them that I had long ago forgiven her for what was, after all, typical behavior for parents at that time.  However, such disregard of parents’ wishes is definitely not ok in 2016.

Today’s parents are likely to be older, more confident and clearer about their wishes than new parents in the past.  One couple told me that they had specifically requested their parents wait a few weeks before traveling from out of state.  Another couple’s parents lived nearby, and they invited  them to visit in the hospital, but they requested a week alone to bond with their baby before hosting any visitors, including grandparents. The other two couples had invited one grandmother to come and stay with them for the first week, and had not regretted it.

So you may be invited to help, or asked to stay away.  Either way, be comforted that this is probably not about you.  It’s about the new parents wanting to shape their new life.  You will have many years to build a relationship with your new grandchild.  Be patient, and respect their wishes.

2. Find out how you can help most

Weeks, or even months before the baby is due to arrive, initiate a conversation with your son or daughter about how you can be most useful.  Preface it with something like “I know it’s hard to imagine exactly what life is going to be like with a new baby, but it can be a challenge to keep everything together when you’re short of sleep and feeding and changing a baby all day and night.”  After a conversation like that one daughter reassured me she had a network of friends and a willing partner and she would be just fine, thank you, but another invited me over to chop vegetables and help her prepare freezer crockpock meals. Although I wasn’t invited to visit my new grandchild immediately, I felt that I had helped in a small way to simplify their life.

My third daughter asked me to help when her daughter was born a little early.  While in her home, I cooked, did laundry (love those precious onesies!), and cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms while she bonded with my granddaughter. My reward was holding our precious bundle while her mother took a shower, and walking around the house singing to my granddaughter when she fussed.  Some new mothers may ask you to change diapers and entertain their baby while he is awake; others won’t let their newborn out of their arms. Don’t judge or criticize; be positive and helpful.  Rather than saying “Oh, looks like you’re losing control of the washing – I’ll take care of that,” say instead “I’m willing to fold laundry, empty waste baskets, cook or shop.  How would you like me to help?’

3. Adjust to changes in baby care

If you are helping in the home, be aware that some things have changed.  Today’s young mothers have been counseled to avoid coffee, aspirin, alcohol, shellfish, Brie, and many other delights during pregnancy. Now they are told to avoid scented baby lotions, alcohol on the umbilical cord stub, and daily baths.  Use Purel at every turn.  Nurse baby on demand in the first weeks.  Car seats and strollers require technical knowledge to put in and out of the car; and mobiles, video monitors, and stuffed animals all seem to have computer chips and instruction manuals.

Your children are trying to master these new rules of infant care, probably including how to breastfeed a baby and manage a rapidly multiplying pile of laundry, while at the same time recovering from the birth. They may keep their babies close to them at all times rather than putting them in the nursery crib.  Mom may nurse the baby more or less often than you think necessary.  Dad may stay home for a few weeks and quite naturally wants to share in the caregiving. They don’t need their parents telling them that they’re doing things wrong, or competing with them for who gets to hold the baby.  Admit that you know things have changed since you were a new parent, and ask for guidance. Wear a mask if you’re asked to in the early days, and wash your hands often.  It will reassure the new parents that you respect their concerns.

4. Offer to run errands

Getting in and out of a car with a new baby is a lengthy process, one which requires patience and a well-rested parent and child.  You can reduce the number of times the new parents have to accomplish this maneuver by offering to pick up groceries or other items when you visit, or while you are staying in their home.  It’s probably less helpful to purchase groceries on your own than it is to let them prepare the shopping list.  If your daughter or daughter-in-law worked outside of the home before giving birth, she may have a weekly meal plan, and a related shopping list.  Even if she didn’t, she will probably have strong opinions about what she wants to eat. Your selections may end up sitting in the cupboards and refrigerator when you leave, unwanted and uneaten.  On the other hand, if you offer to shop for supplies and prepare a meal yourself, that may be greeted with pleasure and relief.

Other errands that may need doing (but have probably been forgotten in the excitement of having a baby) include picking up or dropping off dry cleaning or taking a car in for service.  If the local pharmacy does not deliver prescriptions, you might offer to pick those up as well.

If you live nearby, another helpful errand is to accompany the new mom to the doctor or grocery store  during the early weeks, especially once the partner goes back to work and is no longer available to do so.

5.  Be a good listener and watch for mood swings

Most new parents vacillate between optimistic confidence and discouraged moodiness.  Hormonal changes explain some of this in the new mothers, but new fathers also experience mood swings, both because they are responding to their partner’s feelings, but also because they are learning a completely new role, and they have to do so on the fly.

When you are in their home you may witness temper flareups, discouragement, even outright sadness or disillusionment.  Remember that they are sleep-deprived, learning to meet the needs of their demanding newborn child, and dealing with all the usual stresses and strains of family life at the same time.

The best way you can help your kids in these situations is to bury your nose in a book while they argue, shout, or cry, and refrain from mentioning it.  Be available to listen, however, if either one of them wants to talk.  Never take sides, and be sparing with advice. Sometimes, just talking to a sympathetic person can help diffuse the negative thinking that can result from physical exhaustion, frustration, and losing control over their day-to-day lives.

Postpartum depression is usually triggered by hormonal changes, but there have been studies that indicate it can often be headed off by some fairly simple measures.  If you are asked for advice, or you feel that you really must offer some, draw your suggestions from research. For example, new moms who spend at least 15 minutes every other day relaxing — whether by deep breathing, meditating, or soaking in the tub — cope with the stresses of motherhood better than those who don’t, says Diane Sanford, Ph.D., author of Postpartum Survival Guide.

Everyone tells new mothers to nap when the baby sleeps, but many women fail to heed the advice. New mothers who make up for lost sleep are less likely to feel depressed, according to a study by Michael O’Hara, Ph.D., of The University of Iowa. And finally, a study of more than 1,000 mothers found that those who exercised before and after the birth of their baby tended to feel better emotionally and were more social than women who didn’t.

Offering to watch a wakeful baby while Mom takes a nap, or suggesting a brisk walk out of doors with the stroller might be just the measures needed to banish the Baby Blues.

Enjoy that new baby.